To all the wonderful mothers out there: Happy Mother's Day! Personally, the last 48 hours have been some of the most difficult of my life. I deal (struggle) with depression in general, so the post partum stuff makes things even more fun, and this last week has been the perfect storm:
Monday and Tuesday:
R is violently ill with a stomach bug. I juggle work, caring for him, and caring for our children.
Big Brother has a nasty cough/cold.
Wednesday and Thursday:
I catch the bug and am fantastically sick, myself. I don't have any sick days after my maternity leave, so I only take one day even though I'm sick for two. Suck it up and move on, right?
So far the boys aren't throwing up. I keep praying.
Friday:
Little Brother catches the cough/cold.
I get my first period after having the baby. Darkness descends.
Seriously, the stuff going through my head is intense and very out of the norm. The worst part? Even though I know I'm going into massive depression mode, I can't stop it. I lay on the couch and cry. After several hours on my own with the baby (R was helping a friend with a project and took Big Brother with him) I finally get him to sleep and consider leaving. Maybe I'll drive to the beach? Maybe I'll drive to the temple? R will be home soon, the baby will be okay. Wait, no, that's not okay. I curl up on the couch again.
Saturday I wake up feeling okay...ish. Better than yesterday in some ways, worse in others. We all get ready and head out to a first birthday party for a friend. It was fun to see them, but NOT so fun to be in an enclosed space with what seemed like hordes of people and my two cranky children. When we left after three hours I was drained. Then we got home, and I turned into a zombie. All I could do was sleep. I turned Netflix on for Big Brother and crashed on the bed next to him. Hours later I rouse myself enough to scrounge up dinner.
Today I felt pretty good when I woke up. I even got myself ready in time for our 9:00 am Sacrament Meeting, which has only happened twice in the five months since Little Brother's birth. I go to Sacrament Meeting and then head home to trade out with R. He takes pity on me and stays to take care of the sick kids so I can rest. I try to sleep but I can't keep my mind from spiraling in increasingly negative thoughts. I beg him to give me a blessing, which immediately helps. (Note to self: ask for a blessing sooner next time!!!)
"Wait," you say..."I thought this was a blog about being a working Mormon mom? What's all this depression stuff about?"
For me, the two are inextricably linked. A lot of what goes through my head when I start to feel depressed is related to my perception of how I'm not meeting the expectation of an LDS mother. What I need to do - desperately - is to create my own expectations that are realistic and healthy and, yes, gospel-centered. And that is where you come in. How do you manage your expectations? What strategies have you found that help you feel like a successful mother who happens to work outside the home? Please, share!
For me, I cant compare myself to other moms. We all have our own struggles and the ones we are going through are in our face. The ones that others are struggling with are hidden. They may seem like they have life all perfect and figured out... but they are struggling with something too. All you can do in this life is work on being a better you....not someone else. That ties in with gossip. One day I realized that I have enough problems... I dont need to focus on someone else's problems.
ReplyDeleteFinding people that have the same struggles and lifting eachother up vs dwelling on issues.
Set realistic goals for housewife stuff. You arent a full time house wife, so your house wont look pristine. Set basic realistic goals for cleaning. Whatever works for you and your schedule. Incorporate the kids and hubs in the goals.
Seperate work and home. This one can be hard for me. I find myself studying lesson plans or checking work email when that can be easily done when I am at work.
Daily and sometimes hourly affirmations help too. " I am strong. I am beautiful. " something that speaks to you and strengthens you.
Allow imperfection. Focus on the important things. Pray. Be happy for no reason. Do anything to make the kids laugh- its hard to not be happy when your kids are laughing :)
Note- even though I offer this advice, I am not perfect. I dont have these mastered. I am working on it. When I do focus on these things... I feel better as a working mother. Good luck sweetie. Know you are not alone. :)
I have pondered your questions since reading this last night. My heart aches for what you are going through. You know my battles, so you know I can relate.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I get down on myself about how I am not meeting the expectations of an LDS woman/wife/mother, I have to remind myself that the only expectations that exist are that I am mindful of Heavenly Father's and the Savior's guidance. Part of that is knowing that my working was a prompting of the spirit and accompanied by prayer. It is knowing that I have made the best decisions that I could with the resources available to me for my daughter and my family. It is remembering that feelings of doubt, negativity, and worthlessness for my decisions are from Satan, because he knows that when I am doing my best, he doesn't have much room to work.
That does not negate the fact that you are clinically depressed and that is something that takes a long, long time to come out of. You can get pushed off the cliff and fall into it so quickly and suddenly, but getting back up to the top is a long, arduous climb. There is no miracle or quick fix. It is going to the doctor, taking medications, making sure you are surrounding yourself with good things, good people, and good activities. That is what helps and works to bring you back to the top.
I know that it is hard, and only time will help strengthen you. But day by day you get better. And sometimes you might have a little backslide. But you push forward in knowing that you are doing everything you can and leaving the rest in the Lord's hands. And that when you fall, He is there to catch you and ensure that you are steadied so you can begin your climb again. And you keep going until you realize that you are at the top again, and that the struggle behind you has made you more aware of how mindful the Lord is of you, and that you have people around you who are there to help and there to support you. You will come out of it with greater empathy for those who also struggle with this, and are there to be a support to them.
But know that as you go through this. You are loved by so many people. You are prayed for. You are doing an amazing job being a wife to R and a mother to two little boys meant to be your sons. You are the mother they need, and you are the mother chosen for them by Heavenly Father because of how amazing you are. You know them in a way nobody else ever will, because you are their mother. No matter if you always work, if your house is messy, if you are able to stay home, as long as you bring yourself to the table and always try to do your best and follow the guidance of the Spirit, you are meeting the expectations our Father has for you. Nobody else matters.
There is no perfect except on Pinterest. And think about how many times/photographs were attempted before the illusion of perfection was found. We're all a mess somehow. But the Atonement takes care of the mess as long as we try to bring our best. And our best changes day to day.
The important thing is to know that you are not alone. You are never alone. We all struggle with the idea of meeting expectations. Just remember that in all of it, we love you, just as you are, and don't expect anything from you.